There is probably nothing more futile than the efforts of friends trying to make dealing with a death….better. I guess they mean well, but, at the end of the day, neither their words or actions, nothing really, will take away the pain of someone you love coming to end-of-life. Nothing. I remember my own experiences being bereaved….the endless train of sad faces saying “I’m so sorry” then asking “how are you?” I just wanted to yell “How the hell do you think I’m doing?! I just lost a huge part of what makes my life matter!!”
Truth is, is that there really aren’t any good words to fix us on those bad days. At least I haven’t found the right combination.
And maybe that’s because we aren’t supposed to find a fix. Maybe what we need to do is the opposite; maybe we’re just supposed to hurt. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe the grief and the hurt serves a purpose. Perhaps that “hurting” serves as physical evidence to us (and those around us) that real love exists, and that we just lost someone we shared that “real love” with.
I, often times, hear grieving families say the words “it’ll never be the same.” And they’re right, you know. Once a plate is smashed, there exists no amount of glue that will return that plate to what it was before the break. It’ll hold food and do its job – but the pieces just won’t fit the same. Ever.
And that’s what sucks about death and dying: change is, well, inevitable.
But if you can hear me out on this next point, it may help with what’s to come for you…..
I promise you that, although life WILL change (maybe even become completely foreign and unrecognizable), you are going to pick up the broken pieces, you are going to fit them back together, and you are going to fall in love with the new person you’ve become.
I need you to NOT believe me on this for the time being, though, because not believing me now will make that first glimpse of healing and hope that much more sweet and beautiful.
I may not know you….but I also haven’t seen the wind, yet I can see the affect it has on the world. So I know that you, too, will also have an affect on making your loved one’s passing as comfortable and peaceful as possible.
So here’s what you are gonna do……….
You are going to sit with your loved one until the end. You are going to sit by their side until the last breath is taken, and you are going to walk your loved one to the end of their life.
And you are going be exhausted.
And you are going to feel like you are doing it wrong.
And you’re going to wanna give up at times, because you are human.
And you might wish and beg and plead for them not to die, because you love them….but then find yourself wishing for them to die, for the same reason: because you love them and want their pain (and even yours) to end.
Because in the end, we realize that that is the most selfless thing we can do….allowing someone to let go and die, when all we want them to do is hang on and live.
And it’s gonna break you. Just like that plate.
And you’re gonna wish and bargain and pray that things were different.
But, just like in the spring, the ice will thaw, the snow will melt, and the warmth of hope will loosen the grip that grief has on you.
You will piece it all back together, in a familiar, yet different, way, and your life will begin to take shape again.
You will find your peace. And while you’ll never really get over their death, you will instead learn to celebrate their life. You will learn to insulate yourself from the pain of losing their presence.
You will think of them often. But you won’t think of how they were at the end, instead, you’ll think of them in the way they were when they stole your heart, or when they held you tight, or when you knew their soul was yours. And vice versa. You’ll think of them when you look up, and hear a song, and smell their clothes……and that might even hurt a bit for a while.
But don’t you worry, or if you want to, worry….just know that at some point, you’re gonna fall in love with your life again. And you’re gonna remember that, when it’s your turn to leave this world, you’re gonna run for that light, and you are gonna go find them.
And when you find them, you are gonna remember again why you chose to keep loving them, even if the grief of losing them was unbearable at times.
You are stronger than you know, but, like a true, selfless human, you probably think you aren’t. I can’t wait until life proves you wrong on that.
Keep loving them, keep thinking of the memories…..it’s what will keep them alive in you until you meet again.
Good things…
Weston